


Road Trip

by ckret2



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Gen, POV Second Person, Time Travel Fix-It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 22:36:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29740926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ckret2/pseuds/ckret2
Summary: The Handmaid will enlist the Condesce, extending the same bargain once offered to her. It will be the sort involving neither negotiation nor the possibility of refusal, expressed in terms plainly understood by the psychotically genocidal. The Condesce will serve as her new master's witch, carrying out—I am very sorry, was I not clear? I said "the sort involving neither negotiation nor the possibility of refusal." It is quite impossible for the Condesce to say,MEENAH: oh no beach youre not lurin me in that easy(Or: the Condesce avoids the whole plot of Homestuck simply by not playing along with Lord English’s plan. Even if it requires abdicating the throne and kidnapping her descendant.)
Relationships: The Condesce & Feferi Peixes
Comments: 6
Kudos: 21





	Road Trip

**Author's Note:**

> This is one of two fics I wrote for [Lunar Tide](https://highbloodzine.tumblr.com/post/617142779304394753/get-the-full-zine-here), a zine dedicated to troll highbloods, which is free to download! Also check out the companion zine [Solar Flare](https://lowbloodzine.tumblr.com/post/617142851690725376/get-the-full-zine-here) for lowbloods. My other fic is [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29765565) and it’s about Equius.
> 
> Since I was trying to emulate canon dialogue in this, Damara’s dialogue is in bad Google Translate Japanese. This means, yes, you can safely drop any of her lines of dialogue into Google Translate and get what they’re supposed to be in English. If you don’t feel like opening up Google Translate while reading, I tried to write Meenah’s dialogue so that it’s easy to get the gist of what Damara’s saying without having to understand it.

The Handmaid will enlist the Condesce, extending the same bargain once offered to her. It will be the sort involving neither negotiation nor the possibility of refusal, expressed in terms plainly understood by the psychotically genocidal. The Condesce will serve as her new master's witch, carrying out—

I am very sorry, was I not clear? I said "the sort involving neither negotiation nor the possibility of refusal." It is quite impossible for the Condesce to say,

MEENAH: oh no beach youre not lurin me in that easy

MEENAH: you think i dont know who you are

MEENAH: youve been makin waves in my empire for millennia

MEENAH: i know you

This is most irregular. The Condesce should not be capable of speaking to the Handmaid. Such divergences from the plot only happen in doomed timelines, and doomed timelines happen only within game sessions. Only players can initiate them.

Ah. But the Condesce was created as a player once, was she not?

MEENAH: how aboat we make a different deal mermaid

DAMARA: 「ハンドメイド」。

MEENAH: yeah shore fine )(ANDMAID

MEENAH: whatebber

MEENAH: so tell me water you usin that lets you swim amok all over my empire huh

MEENAH: rust blood like you shoald have died ages ago

MEENAH: do you have some kind of immortality

MEENAH: or time travel

MEENAH: or what

DAMARA: ．．．どちらも。

MEENAH: you got BOT)(

MEENAH: )(A

MEENAH: this is the first good news ive had in over six centuries

MEENAH: so listen up redfish

MEENAH: you dont rule everyfin as long as i have without learnin a thing or tuna about the metaphysical properties a spacetime

MEENAH: closed time loops and branchin timelines and whatnaut

MEENAH: and rumors of a few heavy hitters that havent swam into town yet but are already here

MEENAH: you capisce

DAMARA: ．．．はい。私は「カピス」する。

MEENAH: i thought you might

MEENAH: am i mistaken oar do i detect a hint of resentment there

DAMARA: 少し。

MEENAH: heh

MEENAH: so the way i understand it is this pirate motherfucker can only sail into town when the tides right

DAMARA: 何。

MEENAH: i M-EAN when the right conditions are met

MEENAH: youve been goin up and down the river a history knockin down dams and diggin canals makin sure its the right shape to welcome waterver dumb oversized ship is big enough to carry his ego

DAMARA:

MEENAH: you shut your mouth i can tell youre about to say somefin rude about my dumb oversized ship

MEENAH: but listen heres the thing

MEENAH: if youre here to smooth out this river to fit his ships big aft then that means he cant get into any tributaries what diverge from that route

MEENAH: aint that right

DAMARA: 多分。

MEENAH: maybe is good enough for me

MEENAH: so what say you and me get off this timestream and onto one a those smaller tributaries

MEENAH: all you gotta do is use your little time powers to find me sometime before glubbyglub croaks and gimme somefin different to do thatll throw off his big plan

DAMARA: それは不可能だ。履歴を変更すると、失敗したタイムラインが作成されます。

MEENAH: fshhh what do i care about creatin a doomed timeline

MEENAH: my empires D---EAD

MEENAH: if this is the NOT doomed timeline how bad can the doomed ones be

MEENAH: besides im a shellfish beach

MEENAH: if this green pirate lookin freak ive heard about is gonna take my whole empire from me as part of his big plan then maybe i wanna glub up this universe he wants so bad

MEENAH: and i shore as shell dont plan to be his next slave

MEENAH: how boat you redfish

MEENAH: are you feelin shellfish too

DAMARA: ．．．はい。

MEENAH: good

MEENAH: sea you in the past

And with that, the witch vanishes into history, her fated fight with her would-be successor unfought, and in losing her chance at freedom from her master's slavery she gains a wholly new form of freedom. It would seem I didn't raise her quite firmly enough. At least not firmly enough for her brainwashing to remain an immovable object in the face of the unstoppable force of the Condesce's persuasive personality.

It would seem that the Condesce's long and tight reign on Alternia is due to more than her long and tight rein on Gl'bgolyb.

###

Your name is FEFERI PEIXES, and today is your WRIGGLING DAY. Today, you have turned six sweeps old.

You don't think you're going to live to see your seventh.

In your earliest memories, through tender delirious nightmares G'lbgolyb whispered promises to you of a coming battle. Older sea dweller kids mentioned your fate—sometimes nervously when they found you intimidating, sometimes mockingly when they didn't think you were so tough at all. Since you were too small to wield a 2x3dent, or even a 1x3dent, back when you were glubbing around the sea with a mere 1/2x3dent clutched in your pudgy little hands, you have known that someday you would be fighting Her Imperious Condescension both for your crown and for your life.

You've been preparing for that fight since you were old enough to prepare.

But you didn't expect the fight to come so soon. And you didn't expect the fight to come to you.

And yet, here she is: the CONDESCE herself, just off the shore of your moirail's hive. You fled there when Gl'bgolyb warned you that something had changed and she was coming. After all, Eridan is the only one who swore he would fight alongside you when the time came. He's beside you now, his rifle clutched in his hands as your 2x3dent is clutched in yours. You'd like to be poised for battle, but you're not. You're clutching your 2x3dent not like a weapon but like a barrier, as if you could hope to parry the Condesce's attack. From the corner of your eye, you can see that Eridan is holding his rifle the same way. The two of you have no hope.

She's standing atop her bright red ship, her own 2x3dent in her hand like a scepter, her long hair whipping behind her in the wind. You have seen her wicked grin a thousand times in your dreams.

You didn't expect her bright red ship to be so small, nor for the Condesce's trident-like imperial logo to instead be replaced by her personal symbol. Nor did you expect for the Condesce's long hair to be braided into two long thick ponytails. Maybe this is how the Condesce always dresses to challenge an imminently executed heiress.

Without a word of greeting, she jumps off her ship and down to the beach. Your moirail automatically flinches a step back and swings around to point his rifle at her. He must have a little less no hope than you.

But because of that, you're sure that she'll kill him first. Her gaze has already focused on him completely. Eridan agreed to fight alongside you, but not like this. Not when there's no chance the two of you can win. All the Condesce wants is you. There's no reason he should die, too. You brace yourself, bending your knees, ready to charge in between them if she moves for him.

But she doesn't.

MEENAH: heh

MEENAH: oh youre reel cute

It isn't the reaction either of you expected.

MEENAH: okay shore you can come too

ERIDAN: uh

ERIDAN: come wwhere exactly

MEENAH: hold your seahorses im gettin to that part

And then her gaze is turned on you.

MEENAH: hey lil cuttlefish

MEENAH: were goin on a road trip

###

MEENAH: so here i am mindin my own business right

ERIDAN: right

MEENAH: when this lowblood beach teleports hershellf into my throne room

ERIDAN: wwoww

MEENAH: i know right

MEENAH: and not just any lowblood like

MEENAH: shes as rusty as it gets

While the Condesce regales your moirail with the story of why, exactly, she's chosen to bring the two of you onto her ship, you're exploring her den. She has a huge desk with the fanciest computer you've ever seen, decorative pots and jugs full of caegars, gleaming golden 2x3dents over the doors, and—to your puzzlement—rows of framed fabric squares covered with patches and pins, mainly from different bands. Apparently she's into punk music and subjugglator rap. You think you see a few logos associated with anarchist groups mixed in. The subjugglator rap makes sense, but music that's mainly about Fighting The Power seems like a really weird thing for The Power to have an interest in. You suppose you know very little about your ancestor outside of her public persona and the fact that she kills anyone else with your blood color.

Even the collection of patches is set into frames that look like they're made from solid gold. Your ancestor's quarters are as opulent as you'd ever imagined—in terms of quality. In terms of quantity, though, the space is somewhat... lacking. At least for what you would have expected out of the ruler of the entire empire.

You're more sure than ever that this isn't her flagship. But you don't know what that means.

MEENAH: but i know exactly who this beach is

MEENAH: lil terrorist thats been giving me ship for MILL-ENNIA

ERIDAN: oh shit

ERIDAN: wwait howws that possible

ERIDAN: i mean if shes JUST a rust blood

MEENAH: yeah -EXACTLY

MEENAH: thats what i wanna know

MEENAH: so she gives me this story about bein some time traveler from the future who struck a deal with me and this is what she says

MEENAH: she says the world is going to end

ERIDAN: oh shit seariously

MEENAH: yeah S-EARIOUSLY

MEENAH: in just a few perigees too

ERIDAN: wwhat

ERIDAN: fuck that sucks

ERIDAN: is there any wway to stop it

MEENAH: there shore is

MEENAH: and its

MEENAH: kidnapping )(-ER

You stop exploring the room as you sense both the Condesce's and Eridan's full attention turn on you

FEFERI: Um...

FEFERI: Really? W)(y?

MEENAH: eh some game you and your friends were gonna play

MEENAH: theres actually like twelve of you so i coulda kidnapped like

MEENAH: any of you

MEENAH: or just killed you i guess

MEENAH: except for rust beachs descendant shes already dead apparently

ERIDAN: oh glub i think i know her hey fef you know that chick vvris keelhauled

FEFERI: O)(! Yea)(, kinda? You knew )(er betta.

FEFERI: I didnt know s)(e could time travel! 38o

MEENAH: yeah go figure huh

MEENAH: so anyway as long as any one of you cant play the game the world aint gonna die

MEENAH: and more importantly

MEENAH: some other jackass time travelin motherglubbin shitheel doesnt get a shot at making me his beach

MEENAH: )(A

MEENAH: so yeah im abdicatin and takin you with me

FEFERI: Wait.

ERIDAN: wwhat

MEENAH: empires saved and i get to go do somefin else for a whale

FEFERI: Wait youre ABDICATING T)(-E T)(RON-----E? 380

ERIDAN: yeah hold on does that mean that like

ERIDAN: fef is in charge noww or

MEENAH: )(A)(

MEENAH: no

MEENAH: nah get this my helmsman is immortal right

MEENAH: so i just sorta

MEENAH: let him out and went hey dude you must be reel abalonely stuck up in my engine

MEENAH: how boat i give ya run of the whole ship

ERIDAN: WWHAT

ERIDAN: you put a LOWWBLOOD in charge a the empire

MEENAH: )(A)(A)(A i know right shits cray

MEENAH: its gonna be finny

FEFERI: But...

FEFERI: I mean Im naut complaining I guess

Is this not, after all, what you fought for? The equality of lowbloods and highbloods? A chance for the bottom of the hemospectrum to be treated as well as the top? This should be good.

Except you didn't fight for it at all. Your ancestor just went ahead and did it. Your ancestor whom you assumed you'd have to fight—whom you assumed would sooner die than relinquish her power, to you or anyone else.

Now, suddenly, everything you thought you'd have to spend your whole life struggling to achieve is done, and you didn't have to do anything at all.

FEFERI: I t)(ink I s)(oald sit down.

MEENAH: check out that couch over there its reel cushy

ERIDAN: lemme see

ERIDAN: ooh

ERIDAN: yeah

You don't think this sudden shift in Alternia's social and political future is emotionally affecting your moirail quite as much as it is you. For some reason, that leaves you miffed. He said he was going to fight the Condesce alongside you. It's his future that's suddenly changed, too.

But you guess he never really was as invested in the whole saving-the-lowbloods thing.

FEFERI: So...

FEFERI: W)(at now?

FEFERI: Now that youve fis)(napped us.

MEENAH: FIS)(NAPP---ED thats so lame

MEENAH: but cute

MEENAH: but uh iunno

MEENAH: which is GREAT

MEENAH: this is the first time ive reely not known what i was gonna do since

MEENAH: like

MEENAH: i was your age probubbly

MEENAH: how old are you

FEFERI: Six.

MEENAH: hahaha wow i thought you were like four

MEENAH: anyway i forgot how much i missed this

MEENAH: no rules just C)(AOS

MEENAH: i wouldnt say bein clampletely off the hook is betta than bein the -EMPR-ESS OF ALT-ERNIA but theres naut a lot of freedom when youre runnin an empire yknow

MEENAH: you can do whatever you want boat if what you want is for your trillions a subjugated subjects to NAUT die it kinda puts some practical limitations on what you can actually do

MEENAH: gotta worry about like

MEENAH: taxes

ERIDAN: i mean i guess taxes are important

MEENAH: yeah and like collectin taxes is great and all but can you imagine anyfin more borin than deciding where to allocate tax roevenue so that a bunch a trolls dont starve

The Condesce looks at you when she asks the question. You're with Eridan—that does sound important, what could be more important than making sure the trolls underneath your protection get enough to eat?—but, trying to think about actually looking at long pages of numbers and... what, writing a bunch of notes about which planets they should be sent to or something? You really can't imagine anything more boring than that. You shake your head.

The Condesce grins and pats you on the head between your horns.

MEENAH: youre okay kid

MEENAH: i think whale get along just fine

MEENAH: where do you wanna go

FEFERI: W)(at?

ERIDAN: wwhat

MEENAH: well obviously i dont have any plans here

MEENAH: and im feelin like

MEENAH: this trip needs to kick off with some peak chaos

MEENAH: whats more chaotic than lettin a six sweep old punkass wriggler decide our travel itinerary

FEFERI: Um

FEFERI: Well...

You have to put some thought in that. Whenever you thought about your future, you imagined it would either be cut short on the end of your ancestor's 2x3dent, or that you would split time between your new flagship and Alternia, where you wanted to re-centralize the government. You put very little thought into the many other worlds scattered across the empire that you could potentially visit.

FEFERI: W)(at if we just pick a planet at random and go sea )(ow everybodys doing t)(ere? 38)

MEENAH: what

FEFERI: You know!

FEFERI: Just glub with t)(em for a w)(ale!

MEENAH: glub at W)(O

Feferi: Anemoneone we run into! 38)

FEFERI: Sea if t)(eyre )(APPY!

MEENAH: thats so DUMB

MEENAH: i love it

FEFERI: Reely?

MEENAH: yeah you got it

She's already turned on a digital star chart and projected it across the room. It takes up an entire wall and a good chunk of the floor and ceiling.

MEENAH: i mean can you imagine some brown bloods lookin up and theres the big bad waterbitch all like

MEENAH: )(-EY )(OW YA DOIN are ya havin a good time here in my empire

MEENAH: their nooks are gonna pucker shut out a terror

She picks up her 2x3dent where she lay it next to her desk, backs as far from the star chart as she can, covers her eyes with one hand, and with the other prepares to lob the trident at the chart.

MEENAH: one random planet comin right up

Maybe this weird new future you've stumbled into won't be so bad.

**Author's Note:**

> Posts for this fic available on [tumblr](https://ckret2.tumblr.com/post/644304409965281280/road-trip) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/ckret2/status/1365756805348007937?s=20). If you enjoyed the fic, I’d love to get a comment/reblog/retweet from y’all! :) Thanks!


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